Flashes of Red
by jlgirl10
Summary: Elliot Stabler never thought he'd have to deal with this kind of pain.
1. Chapter 1

Elliot Stabler was sad. No, it was more than sad; it was heartbroken, he decided. Carefully lowing himself to sit on the bed, Elliot was unfocussed; not of clear mind. He kept replaying the gruesome scene over and over again. Cap had removed him from the crime scene less than thirty minutes ago. He didn't care; it was too much for the detective to handle anyway.

Flashes of red were everywhere; a sharp blade in the corner the cause. No steps could be taken in the tiny room without his shoes swimming in the crimson pools. Elliot shivered at the memory, barely registering his own shock.

One of the most beautiful women, and he had to admit that she _was_ a woman, he had ever known was gone. Dead. Deceased. Soon to be pushing up daisies. And there wasn't a damn thing he could do now to prevent the hurt that this event would unleash. This sin was final. Elliot could never be whole again.

He knew what everyone would say: she was so young; she had so much left to do; they were so sorry. But those were all useless, hollow words that would not comfort. Her fragile body; skin drained of all color and eyes devoid of life. She looked so cold.

Elliot felt cold, numb inside. What would he do without her smile each morning; her ability to take his mind off of whatever case was at hand? He didn't know.

They were supposed to meet for coffee. A simple coffee. They'd both had a hard day and he wanted to lift her spirits. He became worried when she didn't show up and drove to her place, only to find that terrible mess. If only he could've gotten there sooner; if only he'd seen the danger she was in, maybe he could have helped. He tried the best he could; called the paramedics right away. He knew it was futile though; she already had no pulse.

Not a minute after the ambulance arrived did they call her time of death. She was gone. And now Elliot had to work up the courage to leave this important woman's room to tell the others. As time ticked by, it would only get harder.


	2. Chapter 2

As Elliot pondered all the varied ways to tell a person that the one they loved was dead, he still could not find the energy to lift himself off her bed. He was frustrated; he'd had to tell people this kind of thing several times throughout his work, but it was so incredibly different now that it was personal. The detective was startled out of his thoughts by a warm hand against his stiff shoulder.

Looking up, he discovered the owner of the limb to be his partner, Olivia Benson.

Her soft voice was filled with empathy and he could tell she was talking through a lump in her throat, "Elliot…I'm so sorry."

He gazed into her gentle brown eyes and they both knew these three words would never be enough. If it had been anyone else, Elliot might have ripped their head off for this statement, but he understood that every word was sincere with her. Not knowing what else to do, he gripped his best friend's waist and buried himself in her stomach.

He felt the hot wetness from her eyes cascading down to his head as he fought back his own. All of the day's pressures were weighing heavily upon him.

Elliot cleared his throat just enough to tear a few gruff words from it, "I never thought…in all this time…I always worried, but never…."

Olivia lovingly smoothed down his short hair and was glad that SCU was working in the bathroom, so no one would witness their private moment, "She loved you so much, El. I mean, I know you two had been going through some rough times, but…"

He heard her trail off and the last string holding his heart in one piece broke, and with it broke his resolve. Unmanly tears soaked his partner's shirt and Elliot found himself not caring one bit. He realized now that he had been desperate for this release, and her comfort.

After minutes ticked by, Elliot began to compose himself. He took deep breaths and smiled his thanks at Olivia. She was always there, even when he didn't believe he needed her.

She returned his gesture with a watery grin of her own. There was something he had been worrying about non-stop for the last hour, "Liv, how am I supposed to tell them?"

She didn't need for him to specify who 'them' was, "I don't know." This was the most honest answer she could give. She saw that he wanted more from her though, so she paused a moment before continuing, "It'll be hard. I won't lie about it. But, we all loved her, and no one can ever replace her; they need to know that."

She locked her sympathetic gaze with Elliot's desperate one. "You'll need to keep an extra special eye out for Lizzie; she takes things the hardest. And Dickie will pretend he's too masculine to cry, but he'll secretly be torn up inside. Let him know he doesn't always have to be strong. Kathleen was the closest to her. She'll bottle all the pain inside; make a point to talk with her and don't let her become too self-destructive-"

Elliot was plainly staring at Olivia in amazement. She stopped mid-sentence and finally asked, "What?"

He didn't take his blues off her, "Y-you really do know me and my family _that_ _well_, don't you?"

A little pink rose in her cheeks and she simply shrugged, "I'm your partner. It's my job to look out for you and listen."

He shook his head, "You awe me everyday."

The pink in her cheeks turned scarlet, "Go home to your family now, El. Tell them what they need to know."

He reluctantly nodded and she helped him up. He gave her one last hug, thankful for the lifting speech. Before he reached the doorway, she had one last piece of advice to impart, "Hey, El? Remember that you still have kids to raise. You _will_ get through this. I promise."

Detective Stabler nodded and braced for the fallout. The first step was the hardest, he told himself. With that in mind, he boldly opened the front door and walked over the threshold.

**Any have any guesses now as to who's dead? Review and let me know! **


	3. Chapter 3

Elliot pulled into what used to be his driveway. Looking around, nothing much had changed since his separation to Kathy, except for the few Halloween decorations they put up every year. He decided there was something comforting about this. Soon, his whole life would be in upheaval whether he wanted it to or not.

The usually hot-headed father of four was surprising even himself with his calm exterior. He even managed to exit his car without slamming its delicate door. The shock was wearing off, and normally it would be replaced with rage by now.

The problem was, Elliot couldn't figure out _whom_ to be angry with. He couldn't be upset with _her_; he wasn't brought up to disrespect the dead. He was already chastising himself for not seeing the clues and he had no intension of forgetting his part in her death. So, who did that leave? Her friends? His own children?

No, this sort of ire could not really be directed at another _person_, so he would settle for finding the _cause _of her demise. Elliot would investigate directly after he dealt with his next task. Shivering, he couldn't stall anymore.

The stride to the welcoming front door was too brief. A hesitant hand, that was still sporting a wedding ring, gave three short raps to wood. A minute later, he heard a girl's voice, probably Kathleen's, to 'hold on.'

The old oak swung open with a gust of wind. He had been right; Kathleen had her phone in one hand and was trying to pin up her hair with the other. She looked somewhat disheveled in blue sweats and a track shirt. He smiled inside, because she never did her chores on Saturdays and instead lay in bed until she absolutely _had_ to move. He was glad that this was one habit he hadn't missed her outgrow.

Kathleen smiled widely when she saw him. She immediately said good-bye to whoever was on the line and put her cell down. Elliot wasn't used to this kind of treatment from his second daughter, but realized that it had almost been two weeks since he's seen her. She looked so innocent; he hated that he was going to ruin her blissful ignorance.

Before he could utter a greeting, she had wrapped her arms tightly around his neck. Her body crushed his, "Dad! I missed you; where've you been?"

He embraced her back, "I'm sorry, honey. There's been some…stuff…happening."

She pulled back from him and noticed how tired his eyes were, "Come in. I'll make you some coffee."

Kathleen shifted from foot to foot for a second and bit her thumb nail. As her father, he recognized her nervous position. "There's um…there's something I need to tell you, Dad."

He wondered if she already knew about the death, but brushed the thought off; there was no way she could. She ushered him onto the living room couch while she hurried to the kitchen. _Maybe she had changed her mind about which college she was going to attend. Maybe she had gotten a bad grade in one of her classes_, he pondered.

Surely there was nothing she could say that was bigger than his news. She shouted to him from the kitchen, "Dickie and Lizzie are at soccer, so we're alone for a little while."

He heard the unmistakable anxiousness in her tone from two rooms away.

"You like it straight, right?" She asked, referring to the coffee.

His daughter knew him well, but he could read her like a book, too. "You got it." He lowered his voice for the last part as she ambled in with their beverages.

After handing him his drink, she chose the comfy chair across from him. He saw the wheels turning in her head to find the right words. Her posture straightened and she looked too grown up for Elliot to believe she was only a senior in high school. Kathleen cleared her throat to begin, "Now Dad, I know we had my future all planned out, but there's been a little alteration."

Elliot almost laughed; changing college plans was a minor adjustment compared to what he had to share. He couldn't bear to spoil her obviously rehearsed speech, "Alright…and what would that be?"

Closing her eyes for a moment, she took a deep breath, as though she was preparing for a fight, "You've always educated us with this stuff and I know you'll be disappointed. But you have to promise me before I tell you that you aren't going to yell."

She bit her lip and he nodded, "Okay…I'm pregnant."

Elliot's jaw literally dropped to the floor. Whatever he'd been expecting, this certainly hadn't been it. He felt the anger he'd stored earlier resurface, "Kathleen, how could you be so stupid?" He leapt off the couch and paced.

She stood up as well, "You promised not to yell!"

"I'm not yelling. _This_ is yelling, Kathleen!" he demonstrated by raising his voice.

"I've already talked to Mom about it and she supports my decision." Kathleen matched her dad's volume.

He stopped movement for an instant. His blue eyes pierced hers and his stern voice leveled, "And what _have_ you decided?"

Kathleen defensively folded her arms and spoke quietly, "I am going to keep it."

Elliot exploded again. He knew only a portion of his negative emotions was directed at her, but he was desperate for an outlet and she was handy, "Keep it? How can you raise a baby? You're a senior in high school! How are you going to support it? What about college? What about a job?"

She cut in, "If you would just give me a chance, I would explain!"

"Fine, let's hear it. What is your _brilliant_ idea?"

His sarcasm sliced into her deeply, "I'll finish school. I'll take the first semester of next school year off and then go to a community college or take classes on-line. Mom said she could help watch the baby and that we could live with her."

He didn't know what to criticize first, "So that's it? You're going to throw away your dreams to raise a child?" he couldn't control the scorn in his voice.

She threw her arms in the air, "You don't understand!" Her eyes shone with unshed tears, "I don't have a choice! I won't let my baby grow up with strangers. You taught me better than that."

Elliot gripped her biceps, "There are always choices, honey. Always."

The intensity of his statement scared her. She couldn't know that as he said this he thought of the woman's blood adorning the walls of a bathroom an hour ago.

"Dad, this is my mistake, okay? For once, I want to fix it."

Elliot recalled how he had gotten her out of a DUI a while ago and gave in. She was right; he just couldn't stand to see his little girl hurting. He sucked in cold air through his teeth, "How did this happen?"

Seeing a blush creep up her neck, he rephrased, "I mean, I know _how_ this happens, but with _whom_ did it happen?"

Kathleen sat down again and motioned for her father to do the same, "Greg doesn't want anything to do with me."

His anger flared again, "Greg? That good-for-nothing boy I forbade you to date?"

She had the good sense to be sheepish, "Uh, yeah, he's the one. If it's worth anything, I'm really sorry now that I didn't obey you."

Elliot smirked, "I bet you are, missy. Well, what's done is done. I guess I am going to be Grandpa Stabler soon. God, that sounds awful."

There was a suspicious glint in Kathleen's eye, "You're going to let this go, just like that?"

He sighed; it had been too long of a day. First, he lost a loved one, and now he had a pregnant daughter, "Just like that."

Kathleen moved to the couch and hugged him for a long moment before snuggling against her daddy. "I love you, Dad. I'm sorry if I haven't told you lately."

He rubbed her back absently, "I love you, too, sweetheart. I'm just happy you felt you could share this with your family…I see so many girls who can't and resort to extreme measures not to. I don't ever want them to be one of my kids."

_But it's too late now, isn't it?_ He darkly mused.

"Why did you come over, anyway?"

Elliot straightened and became serious, "I have something I have to say now. I don't think I should be telling you without everyone here, but maybe you'll be prepared enough to help them with this."

Kathleen sat up, too, "Dad, you're scaring me. What's wrong? Are you okay?"

"It isn't me, honey. It's…it is your sister. God, you're mother's going to kill me for telling you first."

Elliot stopped to blink away tears, "What happened to Lizzie?"

"It's not Lizzie. Maureen…Maureen's gone."

Kathleen's eyes widened, "Gone? What do you mean?"

The lump was back with a vengeance. _Keep it together man._

"S-she's dead. Maureen committed suicide earlier today."

Kathleen shook her head vehemently, "No! No, you're lying. This isn't funny, Dad. I just talked to her yesterday," He saw realization dawn and tears streamed down her soft features, "Oh my God, she told me…she told me she was sorry for everything she used to do to me when we were younger. She said she loved me and that she was going to send me some stuff she didn't need anymore. I didn't think…how could she do this?"

She flung herself into his arms and he held onto her like she would float away if he didn't. "I couldn't tell you, honey." Elliot wiped at his nose; a few drops of water were slipping from his tightly closed lids.

"I never…I didn't…even get to tell her about the…the baby." She was crying so hard that hiccups interrupted her words.

Elliot smoothed down her hair, "Shhh…I wish I could make this better, sweetie. I really do."

**Alright, so now you know who it is. I know this chapter was kind of lengthy, and I wasn't very sure about it. Please tell me what you think! If you have any ideas as to what you'd like to see happen, feel free to leave them in a review! Thank you all for being so gracious and giving me feedback. If anyone would be interested in looking over the next few chapters (they're not all written yet) I'd appreciate it. Also, this will be Olivia/ Elliot romance.**


	4. Chapter 4

Elliot was jerked awake by the slam of a door. Immediately recognizing his surroundings, he no longer felt threatened by his nightmare. He felt a soft weight on his chest and looked straight down into a mess of blonde.

Someone shouted from the entryway, "Dickie! You don't have to be a girl about it; I beat you fair and square!"

There was stomping on the stairs and then, "Shut up, Lizzie! You cheated!"

Elliot scrubbed a hand over his exhausted face. His twins never quit these days. Kathleen began to stir in his arms, so he very carefully transferred her to rest on the couch. Tactful enough not to wake her, he spread an afghan over her prone form. Then, he laid a gentle kiss on his daughter's forehead and went to take care of business. Glancing at his watch, he realized Kathleen had cried herself to sleep over an hour ago and he had joined her shortly after.

He was first met with Kathy in the entryway. She looked more drained than him. She shot him a slightly surprised look, "Elliot, what are you doing here?"

"Kath-"

"Mom!" Lizzie's scream cut him off.

Kathy gave an exasperated sigh as their youngest daughter trudged down the stairway, "Yes, honey?" She tried her best to not let her annoyance show through.

"Dickie hit me." Kathy and Elliot waited for more. Apparently there was none, because she impatiently whined, "Well? What are you going to do about it?"

Kathy shot him a look that seemed to say 'well, as long as you're here…'

"Alright, I'll talk to him."

Lizzie squeezed his middle with a hug, "Thanks, Dad."

He embraced her back, "I need to talk to your mom first, though, so wait until I call both of you down, okay?"

Lizzie pulled away, obviously not satisfied, but didn't argue either. When she was out of earshot Elliot turned to his soon-to-be-ex-wife, "There's no real good way to say this, Kath…um…it's about…see…"

She tapped her foot edgily, "Elliot, I don't have a lot of time here. I switched shifts with Carrie yesterday to see Dickie and Lizzie's big game, which we're going to talk about later. They were looking forward to seeing you there." She shot him a disapproving look. "Anyway, I've got to be at work in less than twenty minutes."

Elliot saw her struggling with the twin's soccer equipment and lightened her load. Kathy led him through the house as she got ready and they talked, "Have you seen Kathleen? She's supposed to watch the kids."

"Yeah, she's asleep on the couch," Kathy rolled her eyes.

"I told her not to stay out late last night, but does she listen to me? Oh no, I'm just her mother."

Kathy busied herself putting away soccer pads and then moving to the room they used to share. She twisted her loose hair up with a clip while undressing. Elliot thought that this should be weird, considering their separation, but after so many years together he guessed there was no point to modesty.

"She's a good kid, Kath."

"Yeah," she said, incredulously.

Elliot laid his cards on the table, "I know about her pregnancy."

This gave her reason to pause, but she quickly recovered and continued with her scrubs, "She told you. You didn't blow up at her, did you? I offered to be there when she told you, but she wanted to show us she could handle things on her own."

"That's what she said. I'm not happy with her decision, but it's out of my hands now, isn't it?" His blue eyes squinted with accusation.

Kathy sighed, "Elliot, she was scared. I won't force her to put the baby up for adoption if she doesn't want to."

"We've seen thousands of couples out there waiting to love and raise a child. Kathleen could give someone this chance."

"Yeah, and we've also seen thousands of kids who've ended up in the wrong hands. This is not a decision we can make for her."

"We're her parents; of course we can."

"Alright, and then in five or ten years when she regrets and resents us, at least we'll have that as a comfort."

"Maybe she won't. We both know our daughter, Kathy. She isn't ready to be a mother."

Kathy finished dressing and looked him in the eye, "I think _you _are the one who isn't ready for her to be a mother. Kathleen has always been able to do whatever she sets her mind to. This won't be any different."

Elliot knew she was right and quietly admitted, "I'm worried for her, Kath."

Her hard blues lightened gently, "I am too. We just have to trust that this will all work out. Like you said, she's our child, Elliot. Look at the things our first one has accomplished: college, steady boyfriend, good paying side-job. She'll be fine."

It was more than Elliot could stand to hear Maureen talked about. It was time to tell her.

"Kath, you might want to call the hospital and tell them you won't be in today."

"No, Elliot. We are _not_ going to sit around discussing this today. Kathleen should be included in this conversation, too."

His face was stoic, "There is something else."

Much like Kathleen's earlier, Kathy's expression crinkled in worry. "What?"

Elliot softened his tone as much as he could, but had trouble finding the right words, "Something terrible happened earlier, honey...Maureen's gone." She sunk into the mattress and shook her head. Elliot continued, "She committed suicide this morning in her apartment."

Kathy didn't show any reaction at first and he prodded, "Did you hear me? Our little girl's gone."

Her body shook violently with grief and rage.

"Why didn't you say sooner? God…how could you…Why didn't you…? She…my baby…"

Elliot couldn't resist wrapping her in his arms for stability, but she fought the contact and he released her.

"How could you wait so long…? I'm her mom, damn it." She weakly laid punches against his muscled chest.

Elliot stood strong and did not move to stop her; this had always been his way of protecting his family. In his mind, as long as he could be their outlet and take all the blame, everything would be okay.

When Kathy became too tired from crying, she clung to him and still silent tears slipped down her flushed cheeks. There would be time for questions and answers later; she needed to get the worst emotion out of the way now, so she could think clearly.


	5. Chapter 5

On the day of Maureen Stabler's funeral, those close to her gathered to remember the vibrant young woman and the gaping hole she had left in their lives. Kathy Stabler fretted all morning about the slick roads. The rain wouldn't let up and she didn't know if everyone would be able to brave the wet conditions. Though, it appeared everyone had showed.

Looking around the grave yard, Elliot spotted several familiar faces. There were only a select few from Maureen's school did he not know. Kathy's family hovered nearby in a huddle. His family was close to the casket as well. They all looked as if Kathy or he would become hysterical at any moment and need to be calmed down.

The community was keeping a polite distance and there were people as far as he could see. Across from him, closer than the others, stood Leo, Maureen's long-time boyfriend who was dazed. He ignored his mother's comforting touch on his shoulder and his father's steadying fingers grasping the other one. Elliot could tell the boy didn't know what to do; it hadn't really sunk in that his girl was gone.

Elliot knew the feeling. He would have to have a talk with Leo later, when things weren't so fresh. Maureen would have wanted that.

Finishing his visual sweep, his blues came to rest on his second family. They were all standing straight, none of them willing to make an emotional scene today. His friends were being strong for him. Elliot was thankful; he needed that strength and they knew it.

He felt her gaze before he saw it. Her chocolate brown orbs weren't being intense or intrusive, just _there_. She could convey her support and sympathy with one look. She wasn't overbearing, as he'd felt most of the well-intentioned people today had been. She was _Olivia_. She was like Maureen's aunt and definitely his greatest ally right now. He appreciated her simple gaze more than all the other words. She knew they wouldn't do him any good. She knew _him_.

Realizing that he'd been locked with her eyes for too long, he broke contact and squeezed his wife's hand tighter. She didn't respond. He was worried about Kathy. She had lost the most precious thing a mother could lose, and he had lost the more precious thing a father could. When Kathy was younger, she had once tried to commit suicide, but that was before he met her and she hadn't revealed the details to him. He thought maybe she blamed herself more for that.

At any rate, he planned on moving back in to the house for his family. The Captain had made it clear he would take some personal leave. If it weren't for the kids, Elliot would have relished in fighting this and throwing himself into new cases; anything to take his mind off of Maureen.

After that, he didn't know. Elliot was sure that he would have to get Kathy into some counseling soon; Dr. Wang said he could recommend a good grief counselor. It was up in the air what would happen with the rest of the kids. Elizabeth hadn't spoken to anyone since they'd told her. Dickie had his arm around her and wouldn't let her out of his sight, always the big brother. Elliot was amazed at how close they really were after all the arguing they usually did.

And Kathleen was doing the best she could to put everyone back together. She would try to talk to Lizzie and get so frustrated she'd yell and have to leave the room after receiving no response. She was doing the cooking and housework, not that anyone was eating much. She would give her mother baths and help her brush her hair. Kathy wouldn't move of her own volition and Elliot was certain it was depression.

Kathleen needed to put things together for her own sanity, he thought. Eventually, she would face reality and allow herself more time to grieve. Elliot suspected that this wouldn't happen, though, until everyone else was functioning again and healthy. Elliot mused that maybe she was meant to be a mother after all.

The preacher had been saying beautiful prayers and things about his daughter, but Elliot couldn't concentrate enough to listen. He came back to those cocoa eyes. They were still there, waiting for some signal that he needed her. And he _did_. He just couldn't ask for help for himself right now. His family came first and she saw that. Elliot knew she'd look out for him until that time.

Elliot caught movement next to Olivia and it was Munch discretely wiping a lone tear from his face. Elliot remembered Munch's dad had committed suicide, too. He could imagine the memories that must have been playing in his friend's head as Munch never showed emotion.

When it was clear that the preacher had finished speaking, Elliot wrapped his arms tighter around Kathy. He knew what would come next. Maureen's casket, decorated with roses across the top, was lowered slowly and with finality into its new resting place.

Unexpected wetness gathered in Elliot's eyes. He barely managed a few nods at attendees before helping his family into the funeral home car and all the while no one said a word. The rain still pounded into the soft ground and Elliot felt as if someone was pounding on his heart. The only thing left to do was to try and live the rest of his life without being constantly bombarded with anything that reminded him of Maureen and the pain that would bring. His last thought before Kathleen interrupted the silence was, _fat chance_.

**A/N: Thanks to EnforcerAndAccuserFan for reminding me about Munch's dad! Any ideas on what will happen next?**


	6. Chapter 6

"Lizzie, Lizzie. Wake up, sweetheart." Elliot whispered and shook her quietly so he wouldn't awaken Dickie.

In the midst of a nightmare, his youngest was tossing and turning terribly. After a few minutes, she ceased movement and settled down, but did not come out of slumber land.

Since the funeral, some strange sleeping arrangements had occurred in the Stabler household. Lizzie remained in her room, but after everyone was asleep, Dickie would sneak in and lay on her floor. Elliot guessed it was a security issue. Kathy slept in her master bed almost all day and night now. Kathleen rested with her at night, but did not do much actual sleeping. Every morning, Elliot would hear his newly oldest daughter try in vain to coax Kathy out of hiding.

Elliot knew all of this because he, himself, received very little snoozing time. Checking on Lizzie first, he found her, as always, in a fitful slumber. Next came Dickie, quickly squeezing wide-awake eyelids closed at the creaking sound of the door. The guilt when he shut Dickie's door, accepting his son's pretense to avoid dealing with his pain, was overwhelming.

The hardest stop was next. Elliot didn't know why he continually forced himself into this ritual. He had to fight his feet every step of the journey, demanding they keep their path. He paused right next to the barely opened door; inside, he could hear soft murmurs. Straining, he would just make out Kathleen's voice. Some nights, he would hear her soft pleading to God through prayer, other nights he heard her whispering gentle comforts to her mother, but the worst nights were when all he heard was her fragile sobbing.

Elliot never charged in on a white horse to save any of his family, and this further fueled his self-loathing. How could he know how to talk to a little girl in pain? How could he know how to deal with a pregnant teenager? How could he know how to get a little boy to open up? How could he help a grieving mother? Oh yeah, it was only in his job description and he had done all of this on a daily basis for the many years he'd been in the Police Department.

Elliot was disappointed and bitter with himself that he could not transfer what he'd learned at work into his personal life. While he lay awake in the early morning hours, these thoughts ran through his mind. _What have I been doing with my life? Has it been worth it? I gave up so much time and effort to help others when now I can't even help my own family. And it's too late._

He would ponder Maureen's reasons for killing herself. Often Elliot wondered if she had done it in the manner she had to get his attention. Her blood had covered the sparkling white tiles as if to say 'I'm here! I'm a person and I need you to help _me_! You can't ignore your own daughter forever, detective!'

At this point, he would think he was being selfish in making her suicide about him, but three and three were still adding up to nineteen for him. He had tried to give Maureen all the love and support he could muster while she was growing up. Sure, she had never been incredibly independent, but that was his oldest child. It puzzled him that her loving boyfriend and fantastic job didn't fit a suicidal profile. Her grades were excellent; there was nothing he could see that could have indicated this outcome. Elliot was at an absolute loss.

Lizzie's sharp intake of breath brought him back to the present. Her nightmares were beginning again. Knowing Dickie would get up to console and soothe her soon, he stealthily backtracked into the hallway. This was always his last check-in of the night. By the time he'd made rounds, Dickie had usually found his way into Lizzie's room and both were out like a light. Later, she would wake him up with her plump tears and he would soothe her until sleep came again.

The first night home after the funeral, Elliot had gone through this same procedure, only he had been mindless in his wandering. He had ended up in a room in which Kathleen would no longer set foot; the room his two oldest had shared was now painfully barren. Remembering the laughter which used to bounce of the old walls, Elliot had crumpled to Maureen's twin bed and relived every single moment he could recall of her from birth until death. He didn't move until the first cracks of dawn streamed through the window. From then on, Elliot was never mindless again; he felt everything with a sharp intensity.

Returning to his own spot on the living room couch, Elliot was engulfed in an irresistible urge for human contact of any kind. Pulling out his cell, he texted the one person he trusted and wanted to see right now.

A/N: Hey everyone! Sorry this took so long...I've been studying for finals. I know this chapter wasn't very long, but the next one will deal with Elliot talking to a certain someone, so that's something to look foreward to! Thanks to everbody for reading and reviewing. As always, suggestions are welcome! Happy holidays!


	7. Chapter 7

Elliot was surprised when she texted him back a few seconds later. He thought she would be asleep for sure; he was expecting to have to apologize for waking her up, but no, his partner, it seemed, was just as lucid as he. On impulse, he made arrangements for them to meet at an all-night diner. He needed Olivia more than he wanted to reason.

There were all kinds of thugs and weirdoes out at this time of night -he glanced at his watch- well, morning, but the detective didn't care. Had he been more rational, he would have offered to pick her up, knowing her car had broken down again, but that was not in the forefront of his mind. His only focus was his desire to view her with his own eyes, touch her with his own fingers.

Throwing on some pants and a shirt, Elliot sped lightly down the stairs and into his car. He knew that his family would either be asleep or too busy with their own thoughts to notice his absence. Starting the ignition, there was a pang in his heart as Christmas music played. Christmas had been Maureen's favorite holiday; she had been a bit of a nut for it. He quickly shut the radio off and drove in deafening silence until he pulled into the well-lit diner.

Trying to stroll in inconspicuously, Elliot realized there was no need as he was the only occupant. A sign said to 'seat yourself' so he picked a seat by the window and waited for Olivia to arrive.

Fifteen minutes later, the brunette took her place across from him. The smell from his coffee was strong and it would have woken her up if she hadn't already been wide awake. Taking in his appearance, his perpetual lack of sleep was obvious to her by the dark circles below his sad blue eyes. The scruff he had allowed to grow on his face let her know that he had been ignoring his personal needs altogether. Though she thought it only enhanced the rugged quality to his handsomeness.

She was the first to speak after clearing her throat to draw his attention, "What's going on?"

The waitress interrupted and took Olivia's order. The detectives remained in silence until she returned with a mug of coffee for Olivia. While taking a few delicate sips of the steaming liquid and then setting it down, she listened intently.

"I'm sorry I dragged you out here like this." He was fiddling with his coffee mug; not really looking her in the eye.

She got the impression that he was regretting his decision to call her and stilled his hands with one of hers, "I'm here for you, Elliot. You know that."

Her partner spoke in a tone that suggested he was fighting a lump in his throat, "I know." Now he did meet her gaze, "Thanks, Olivia."

"Anytime." Olivia was bewildered as to what her partner would say, but knew that he would tell his story only at his own pace.

After a few minutes of collecting himself, Elliot began, "Kathleen's pregnant, Liv."

His body language told her he was completely serious. Olivia processed this shock; little Kathleen was going to have a baby and she hadn't known anything about it. Olivia was reminded that she hadn't talked to her partner since the death a little over a month ago and realized with appalling clarity that she had missed him. Sure, it was natural to miss someone a person had interacted with everyday for as many years as they had, but Olivia found herself selfishly wishing that he was with her and not grieving with his family. That was a problem; she loved his children as her own nieces and nephew.

He was obviously waiting for her reaction, "When did this happen?"

Scrubbing rough hands over tired eyes, Elliot explained, "She's four months along and plans on keeping the child." He snorted in mock humor. "Eighteen years old and she thinks she's ready to raise a kid. You know, nobody ever tells you going into this that they'll break your heart."

Olivia understood that he was referring to Kathleen as well as Maureen. Their waitress returned to refill the empty cups, "How is Kathy taking it?"

"She's not. Well, she was, before…before Maureen…" he trailed off, "Was going to support Kathleen and the baby while she took some college classes in fact. Now, it's more like Kathleen's taking care of Kathy. Liv…" She could tell he was reluctant to share this next piece of news with her, "Kathy's not doing well. She's really bad actually. I-I don't know what to do for her. I tried to get her to see Huang but she refused; she won't get out of bed and I'm afraid it's depression. She suffered from it a long time ago and…it came to the point where she tried to kill herself."

Olivia lightly touched his hand again in a show of comfort, "I had no idea all of this was happening. What can I do?" She was only mildly hurt that he hadn't seen fit to share these things with her sooner.

"Well, there is something…"

"Whatever you need, El."

"Lizzie won't talk to anyone and she's been having nightmares. I thought I might have her see a child psychologist, but maybe you could try first?"

Olivia was taken aback at the severity of the Stabler problems. In the beginning, she had anticipated things getting bad like this, but Elliot had talked to Munch a few times and he had given her the impression that everyone was getting back on track. Obviously, her partner had been putting on a front for Munch and the rest of the department. Elliot never could admit that he couldn't do something on his own, even if the task was putting together a puzzle that had recently lost some of its major pieces.

She conveyed a confidence she didn't quite feel, "Definitely. You name the time and place and I'm there."

Elliot's slumped shoulders looked like they still held the rest of the universe's issues, "Thanks. Tomorrow's Saturday; you have the day off?"

"Sure, when's convenient?"

"We'll be around, so just whenever you can is fine." Stealing a glance at his watch, Elliot discovered it was close to five; they'd talked for a good two hours almost. "Geez, I'm sorry, Liv; you have to be at work in a couple hours and I kept you from getting any sleep."

It was time for her to admit something, "It wouldn't have mattered. I haven't been sleeping very well either. I…" She wasn't sure if she should broach this sensitive subject, "I have dreams about Maureen, too. I think that there should have been warning signs, or something at least, that I missed."

"Coulda, woulda, shoulda, Liv. We could spend our whole lives wondering why and the fact of the matter is that we'll just never know." These words did not come lightly for him, she knew. Mentally cursing the events that had turned him into such a realist, she wondered if these were his true thoughts or him trying to get off the subject.

A thought registered in her, "Would you like to take a walk with me, El?"

The randomness of this gave Elliot cause to perk up, "What?"

She clarified, "Do you want to go to Central Park with me?"

"Liv, that's kind of crazy, don't you think?"

"Why not? We haven't done anything like that in a long time, El."

"Have we _ever_ done anything like that? I mean, besides on a case."

"This is the time for new beginnings, Elliot, so let's embrace it." He threw her a critical look. "For God's sake, just come see the sunrise with me, okay?"

This was good enough for him. He shrugged, paid the bill, and followed her out the door into a new beginning.

**A/N: Thank you to everyone that reviewed; you give me great confidence in my writing and some fantastic ideas! I hope this quenches a little of the E/Oers thirst. I plan on getting the next chapter up pretty soon, so until then, may you all have a happy holiday!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: Well, sorry guys, this was supposed to be in like the first chapter, but I forgot so now it's here. Let's just pretend it was in all the others, okay? **

**Nothing associated with Law and Order: Special Victims Unit is mine. It all belongs to NBC, Dick Wolf, and whoever else.**

Olivia did not, in fact, talk to Lizzie the next day, or the next, or the next. For a huge case broke that very morning and forced the weary detective to be at her sharpest. An armed assailant violently entered a small, yet prestigious preschool and kidnapped ten of the children. The sole teacher occupying the room was too shocked and terrified to give any information, and the Special Victims Unit was running on nothing but instinct and coffee with this one.

Olivia barely found time to call and apologize to Elliot. His voice had been forced, like he wished he was there helping her instead of dealing with his own misery, but weakly tried to assure her that he understood. Maybe if she'd had more time, his best friend wouldn't have chosen to ignore the anguish lacing his tone.

As it was, Olivia was loathsome to leave the case for even the moment it took to use the bathroom. Worse, the Captain was under an immense amount of pressure from his bosses; the media was running with the story. The children's parents were all well-off individuals who had just the kind of money that could influence which direction the department would go. At this point though, they just wanted to find the kids before this man inflicted some serious psychological damage. Nobody could gauge what he was doing with them until he called for the ransom, which was why they also had George Huang on the case.

Three weeks and a few bullets later, the children were returned to their parents safe and sound. They emerged from their ordeal slightly malnourished and filthy, but none had been harmed further. Munch had shot the kidnapper down, but not before a bullet had grazed his temple. Olivia had also received a hot piece of metal to her shoulder.

As soon as Elliot was notified, he dashed to the hospital room that his friends shared (the Captain had pulled a few strings for Olivia and Munch so they could do this, as co-ed rooms were not policy). Looking first to Olivia, he found her resting peacefully on the coarse hospital sheets. The hairs on the back of Elliot's neck tingled; someone was watching him. Turning toward the only other occupant in the room, he thought that Munch looked haggard, which was probably appropriate after being shot.

When Munch spoke, his voice was rough and scratchy, but undeniably his, "Elliot, what are you doing here? I thought you were taking care of the kiddies."

Elliot allowed the sides of his lips to turn up slightly in relief; his friend was alright, "Yeah and I still would be if you guys hadn't decided to play Russian Roulette." Nodding at Olivia, he asked, "How is she?"

"It was touch-and-go, but she'll make it. They gave her some drugs to sleep," he snorted, "typical."

"I heard you got them all out. Is everyone ok?"

Munch's face grew serious, "Yeah, all the kids got home for Christmas," he paused in for another moment, lost in some memory, and then shook himself out of it, "Speaking of the holidays, how's your family? The fat man bring them anything?"

Elliot shifted uncomfortably, "Uh, they're ok. Everyone was happy with their gifts and Kathy's parents flew in for a few days."

Munch called him on his odd behavior, "Elliot, it's alright if everything isn't peachy; you just lost a daughter for Lord's sake. Of course the holiday's going to suck, and I get that, ok? My dad killed himself right before Hanukah."

Elliot suddenly felt ridiculous for trying to hide his problems from John, yet also angry at him for bringing his pain up, "I'm sorry, John. I know you understand loss, but talk to me when something you created, something you put all your love into, is gone by her own doing and you're left without any answers. Then maybe we can talk about this."

Munch sat up, albeit slowly, "Hey, buddy, that was uncalled for. A guy tries to help and all you do is push. Well, I'm going to ignore your cutting remarks, because I know you're just lashing out at whoever is available."

Elliot took a few steps nearer to his bed, "You think you know everything, huh, Munch? You're not a psychiatrist and you are definitely not _me_. Don't act like you understand what I'm feeling. You didn't have to put your family back together when your dad died, you didn't have to pack away his things, and you didn't have to explain to your other children why their big sister was gone. _You_ were young and ignorant; _I_ do not have that luxury."

Munch wasn't going to play the name-calling game any longer, "You know something; you're hurting more than I thought. You can't stand being out of control, can you? Maureen didn't ask daddy if it was okay first and you can't deal with it. You can't help Kathy and the kids all by yourself and it scares you to rely on anyone else for something you think you should be able to do. You aren't Superman, Elliot."

Both of their tones had turned rather biting and were getting louder. It was a wonder that Olivia hadn't woken by now, "Oh, shut up. What do you know about me?"

"Well, until this moment, I thought we were friends. I guess I was getting my signals crossed, detective."

"Don't be so sensitive, John. This isn't _about_ you."

John's voice quieted, as if this was what he had been trying to get Elliot to see all along, "So, what _is_ this conversation about?"

He hesitated, now unsure of his point. "I-I don't know," he quietly admitted.

A few low moans from the opposite side of the room drew their attention. Olivia fluttered her eyelids and Elliot sprinted to be beside her.

"Olivia? How do you feel?"

She let out another groan and opened her eyes fully. Grimacing in pain, she tried to stretch, but Elliot gently put a hand out to stop her.

"You'll tear your stitches, Liv."

Her big browns stared up at him in confusion, "El? What are you doing here? You should be at home."

He smiled, "So I've been told." He repeated, "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine; just a bullet. You know, no big deal."

Elliot chuckled at her weak attempt at humor. Liv was always trying to play down her injuries. "We'll see about that. Good job though, you got the guy."

"Yeah, thanks to Munch over there." She pointed to her roommate.

Munch grinned at her spirit, "I'm just glad you're okay, Olivia."

She turned back to her partner, "How did Christmas go?"

He shifted again, "Uh, we'll talk about it later. You need your rest right now. I'll come by tomorrow and check on you, okay?"

"Alright," he softly hugged her goodbye, waved at John, and left.

**A/N: So more action is going to start now. Also, I have never written for John Munch's character before, so I would appreciate your thoughts on whether it was good/ bad. THANK YOU VERY MUCH to everyone still reading and reviewing! I try to incorporate what you want to see in the story and take your suggestions very seriously; you've all been so nice! So...who knows what will happen next? Some of you seem to read my mind (especially EnforcerAndAccuserFan)! I will be writing the next chapter and see a review mentioning what I've just put in! **


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